Contributions to this page may be sent to Dr. Mary Wilder at Mary_Wilder@globalmissiology.org. Jokes and humor contributed and collected by friends of GM.
A mother mouse and her baby mouse were walking along together when, all of a sudden, a cat began to attack them. The mother mouse shouted at the cat, “Woof!”, and the cat suddenly stopped, turned tail, and ran away.
“See?” said the mother mouse to her baby. “Now you know why it is so important to learn a foreign language!”
Music to stand by The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
Volume 3, Number 4 July 2006
Holiday Time - A Message to Americans visiting Canada by car
May I encourage you to take your vacation in Canada where you will find great summer days. Though you drive on the same side of the road in Canada as in the US, you still need to pay attention to your car's speedometer. And remember, signs are posted in metric in Canada. Before you cross the border, be sure you know the following hymns and sing along with your speed. 120 km/hour means - Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling 130 km/hour means - Lord I am coming home 140 km/hour means - Face to Face 150 km/hour means - When the roll is calling yonder - I will be there!
Volume 3, Number 3 April 2006
vv
Many years ago, at a mission meeting in Madagascar, there was a vigorous debate about what honorific title should be used for the many single women missionaries who served there. Many of them were from Norway. After prolonged discussion, an older man at the back of the group said, with a thick Norwegian accent, “I tink they should be called ‘vimin vorkers’.”
So it was, from that time to the present, single women missionaries in Madagascar are called, “v.v.’s”
Volume 3, Number 2 January 2006
Monday versus Friday
Warning: when you click the play button on the following video, it could take a few minutes to load depending on your connection to the internet.
Khuda ki merzi!
At our little mission hospital, a lady came to pre-natal clinic, pregnant with #22 child! She had 5 medical conditions that threatened her life. She should not have any more pregnancies, medically speaking. When the Dr. offered her the little operation, just 10 minutes time, just 200 rupees, she really wanted it! But her husband refused to give permission. He said, “No, Khuda ki merzi”, meaning “No, it is God’s will”. The Dr. said it was God’s will that she was here, she had the need, and the staff had the necessary skills. He was firm in his denial, “Khuda ki merzi!”
That baby was born. The operation was not done. She went home, not to be seen until the next year, when she was expecting #23. All the same conditions were present, and she really needed the little operation! But the husband again said no – “Khuda ki merzi”, it is God’s will. The Doctor begged, touching the husband’s feet, to no avail. That baby was born, #23.
The next year she returned, expecting #24. This time the Dr. said the operation would not require any money. It would be done free. The husband again said, “no, Khuda ki merzi.” She then returned the next year, expecting #25. Each delivery was harder and more dangerous than before! This time the Dr. said to the husband, “I’ll give you the Rs.200 if you will let me do the little operation. Obviously her life is more important to me than to you!” But the husband was firm. “No, Khuda ki merzi.”
She didn’t come back for a couple of years. The Dr. thought that probably #26 had killed her, at home. Then one day she came, bringing her neighbor to be seen. The Dr. greeted her and said, “Did you come for your little operation?” She beamed with a great smile, like a light bulb! “No”, she said, “my husband died!” Then both she and the Dr. said, together at the same time, “Khuda ki merzi!”
Volume 3, Number 1 October 2005
The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Driving
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Volume 2, Number 4 July 2005
Breakable...
There once was a gracious sister who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
SabBATH
News Bulletin: This past week, thieves broke into the church through the window directly behind the baptismal and fell in...the baptismal was full for a baptism the next Sabbath.
Volume 2, Number 3 April 2005
What's in your Bible?
Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible? Child: Yes, I think I know everything that's in it. Minister: That's a pretty big claim for someone your size. Okay, go ahead and tell me. Child: Well... let's see... there's my favorite baseball card, an old leaf, a coaster from Pizza Hut, and my name.
Putting All the Pieces Together
A father was taking a break from his studies to read a magazine. Just as he began to read, his little girl wanted to know what the United States looked like.
So, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of their country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to her, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together...This will show you our whole country."
After a few minutes, she returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."
Volume 2, Number 2 January 2005
Two Kinds of People
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There arethose who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and thereare those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
There once was an American youth group that came to her church in Lima, Peru. Apparently, they didn't know Spanish, so they simply added "o" to the end of English words and hoped they turned out right. One American girl was being teased by the pastor of the church. Feeling embarrassed, she opted to use "embarrassado," not knowing it means "pregnant." So thechurch was understandably startled when this teen girl got up to say, "I am very embarrassado, and it's all the pastor's fault!"
What's for dinner?
My pastor uncle was on a mission trip in Africa . He and his wife met a couple from their hometown who were serving there as well. The couple invited them to dinner. The table was set nicely and a silver bowl was brought out. The cover was removed and cataba worms were piled in it. My very refined and gracious aunt was asked to give thanks. She looked at that bowl and said, "For that?" The joke was over and they laughed as the more typical meal was served.
Volume 1, Number 4 July 2004
Dead Vehicle
A Persian refugee, whom we were sponsoring to the Unites States, was reading the Washington State driver's license study guide in preparation for taking her written examination when she read about the penalties associated with "vehicular homicide". She looked up with a perplexed expression and asked my wife: "Why would anyone want to murder a car?"
Quacking Dog
On my arrival in a S.E. Asian country, a young Chinese man was assigned to take me to lunch, despite his marginal English and my non-existent Mandarin. Upon arrival at the restaurant of his choice, he smiled and said, "Veri gohd dawg meat." Hearing "dog" and knowing that some Asians indeed enjoy canine chops, I began to explain that in my country we prefer other kinds of meat.
As we were turning to go to another place, I began to wonder if I should make clear what he really wanted to say. So I asked, "Dog says Bow-wow?" Looking puzzled he then laughed and replied, "Oh, no. Dawg say, Quacg-quacg". Now, both of us laughing, we turned back for a tasty lunch together.
Volume 1, Number 3 April 2004
Lion Pun
A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side.
Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between the lions.
Finally, A Little Child Prays
There was a girl who lived with her family on a farm. The farm had an icehouse, where produce was stored. One day, the girl noticed that a family of wrens was trapped in the building. She opened the doors to coax the birds out, but oddly, they refused. The girl was very worried about them, because it was so cold in the icehouse. That night, she knelt at her bedside and prayed, "God bless all the little chilled wrens."
Talking Machines
I was working on a Bible translation when my national helper turned to her computer for information. As she touched a button, a small part suddenly flew off the machine. All sorts of odd symbols started flashing across the screen. I heard her gasp, and then she turned to me in wide-eyed wonder and exclaimed, "It's swearing at me!"
Jewish and Chinese Calendars... A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his classroom and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. What does that mean to you?"
After a moment of silence, one student raised his hand.
"Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does that mean?"
"It means that the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1,063 years."
Go Irish... After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones."
Ze Langadzh of ze Urop... The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.
After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united Urop vil finali kum tru!
South of the Border... I was on my first youth short term mission trip to Mexico and my Spanish was pretty rusty. I asked a 14 year old girl living in the community to translate for me. She was not likely a Christian but I thought I could trust her because she had been around us so much. I asked her to tell the Mexican man we were saying farewell to that we would see him again here on earth or in heaven. When she translated to him and I heard the last word, "infierno", I suspected I might have been the victim of mistranslation.
Honorable Indonesian Elders
Being a senior citizen puts you in a place of great honor in Indonesian culture. But, having been in the States for so long and being thoroughly Americanized, I forgot all about its privileges and responsibilities.
My wife and I were invited to an Indonesian community dinner in Portland several years ago. As we came to the banquet room a young lady dressed in beautiful Indonesian traditional costume ushered us and seated us at the head of the table. We had a wonderful time getting to know so many Indonesian professionals and students in the city. And ah, did we enjoy the exquisite food and the traditional dances presented that evening!
It seemed that the party went on and on and on. We thought it was getting very late, yet we noticed that nobody was leaving the banquet hall. Until one of the leaders came to me, and gently reminded me that nobody could leave. Everybody was waiting for us, the honored guests, to leave first. We said, "Oh, please forgive us." We quickly said our goodbyes, and left immediately. I thought I heard a great sigh of relief back there in the banquet hall.
Rain and More Rain
It was during my sophomore year at Penn State when I started to observe more and more the logical and quantitative thinking of Americans.
It was spring, and a light drizzle made everything on the campus wet and damp that day. I was walking to my chemical engineering class, and spotted my teacher, Dr. Carnahan ambling ahead of me. I quickly caught up with him, and started to make some small talk.
"We have our monsoon in Indonesia by this time. That is some rain." I told him.
"Really? How many inches rain do you get annually?" Dr. Carnahan asked me.
"Inches? We never know. Sometimes it would rain so hard, that the road disappeared and we had to use our canoes to get around."
"Well, that sounds like a lot. How many inches would that be?"
"I don't know, Sir."
I was praying, that he wouldn't give me an "F" for being so illogical and un-quantitative.
A Korean seminary student went to a bank in Jackson, Mississippi to withdraw some cash from his account. The teller at the counter asked him, "In what denomination?"
Without any hesitation, the Korean answered, "Presbyterian."
What's up?
In a student housing facility, a student from China lived on the second floor unit and an American student lived on the ground floor. When the American met the Chinese, he often greeted him with a friendly, "Hi, what's up?"
The Chinese student never answered. One day, the American student greeted the Chinese student as usual.
This time, the Chinese yelled back, "I tell you, just because I live upstairs doesn't mean my life is any of your business."
Dog soup
When people from the host family picked up a newly arrived student from an Asian country, they offered, "You must be hungry by now. Let's go for a hotdog."
Upon hearing this, the foreign student was so excited and said, "Yes, let's go. I would like to have an order of dog soup. That's my favorite dish."
There was no response from the host but a long silence.
"You want to be born-again?"
An American seminary intern, who preached the Gospel at the seaman center where several Hindu crew members were present, gave an invitation by asking, "Would you like to be born-again?"
In response, the Hindu crew members, steeped in reincarnation philosophy since childhood, eagerly raised their hands with a very serious look. While the intern was very happy at their response, his supervisor, a seasoned missions professor and experienced missionary, was not thrilled.
At our little mission hospital, a lady came to pre-natal clinic, pregnant with #22 child! She had 5 medical conditions that threatened her life. She should not have any more pregnancies, medically speaking. When the Dr. offered her the little operation, just 10 minutes time, just 200 rupees, she really wanted it! But her husband refused to give permission. He said, “No, Khuda ki merzi”, meaning “No, it is God’s will”. The Dr. said it was God’s will that she was here, she had the need, and the staff had the necessary skills. He was firm in his denial, “Khuda ki merzi!”
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
News Bulletin: This past week, thieves broke into the church through the window directly behind the baptismal and fell in...the baptismal was full for a baptism the next Sabbath.
A father was taking a break from his studies to read a magazine. Just as he began to read, his little girl wanted to know what the United States looked like.
A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. 
Finally, 
Talking 
Jewish and Chinese Calendars...
Go Irish...
Ze Langadzh
South of the Border...
